It is easy in any conflict resolution process:
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To listen impatiently just long enough to identify another’s feelings and needs, only to start defending or asserting your feelings and needs.
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To evaluate and critique another’s feelings and needs rather than to listen actively. Listening to prepare your case and refute their perspective is not listening to truly empathize and understand their position.
Such behaviors speak to the shakiness of one's own confidence, sense of agency and power and quiet strength that you are lovable, acceptable and worthwhile.
The antidote to defensive or attacking responses is to listen to understand the other person while at the same time, sinking into your own feelings and needs. Only respond when you are quietly confident that you know what you want to be joyful. Then use skills to advocate for what you want while crafting win-win outcomes.
Coming to a conflict resolution conversation feeling unsure about who you are and what you want is a recipe for more contentious and ineffective communication.
If one embraces the concept that I am the architect and creator of my own happiness and joy, there are skills that advance that perspective.
Strategy 1: “I statements” are best used to keep the focus on what you need to change or work on to establish and maintain your serenity.
Most everyone has heard about “I statements” versus “You statements.” For example, “I get triggered and anxious when there is loud arguing and shouting” versus “Would you please lower your voice, quit yelling and calm down a bit!”
Check out whether your “I statements” are:
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Focused on identifying to yourself and others who you are, what you want and how you want to be, e.g., “I see more how my anxiety about missing the plane puts pressure on you for rushed timing that doesn’t match your pace. Let’s figure out how I can address my need to arrive earlier at the airport than you might want, while honoring your need to take a more relaxed pace.”
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Defensive and accusatory, e.g., “I don’t like feeling I’ve done something wrong and I believe I am a thoughtful and empathic person. I need more warning or signals that you are frustrated with me rather than a sudden, angry outburst.”
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Hard but necessary self evaluations, e.g., “I can see from how ‘I did it again’ was hurtful to you and what I have to work on to prevent or minimize hurting you again.”
Strategy 2: In processing any conflict or trigger, look for what you can learn and change to grow rather than focus on what the other person did that you think was wrong.
In any conflict, it usually always ‘takes two to tango.’
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Remember, though, that you are responsible for your own happiness and that you have control only over yourself.
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So it is more productive to focus on your foibles, blind spots and triggers and work on those.
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You may even be correct that the other person acted from their own foibles, blind spots and triggers. But you have no control on how aware they are of those blind spots, nor how diligently they want to own and resolve those triggers.
When you work on changing and taking care of your part in any conflict, that creates changes in the interpersonal system. You may see them own their part in the conflict much more quickly than if you confront, nag or ‘psycho talk’ them into action.
Strategy 3: When faced with criticism, conflict and confrontation, listen with an open heart and practice self-soothing.
In any conflict, it is hard to really listen to understand and empathize rather than to defend and ‘punch back.’
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If you are both too triggered to be able to listen with an open heart, then it is best to agree for each person to self-soothe and to come back together later when everyone is calmer and more serene.
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If you are in a good place to listen and not defend yourself, than hear out the other person. Stay quiet to listen, empathize, self soothe. Then identify your part in the conflict, what you want as a resolution and what you want to change for yourself.
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Avoid pointing out to the other person what you think they did “wrong” and what they should change, unless they specifically and open-heartedly request feedback on what you think was their contribution to the conflict.
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If there is any further conversation, it would only be for you to make “I statements” on what you have learned from this trigger or conflict and what you are going to take responsibility for changing.
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Retracing and rehashing events or conversations that caused the conflict or trigger and relitigating each behavior as the basis for the conflict leads only to further contention and frustration with no solution in sight.
Read the entire June blog on David Mee-Lee's Tips & Topics here →
Authored by Dr. David Mee-Lee, “Tips & Topics” is a monthly blog covering three sections: Savvy, Skills and Soul, with additional sections varying from month to month. Topics include Stump the Shrink, Success Stories and Shameless Selling.
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