Six years ago I announced “I lost my wife February 23, 2019.” Each February, in the SOUL section of Tips and Topics I have updated readers on my grief process.
If you are interested in tracking that, you can go to the Tips and Topics website. On the right-hand side, access the February SOUL section for each year since 2019.
In the February 2021 and February 2022 SOUL sections, I organized some thoughts under the headings of Work, Love and Play. This month, I am not only updating you on my grief process, but broadening Tips in SAVVY and SKILLS to apply to the loss of a loved one by death, but also loss by divorce or any love partnership break-up.
Tip 1
Work has light and dark sides in what it means for different people.
In February 2022’s SOUL section, I wrote that “I am focused now on who we are as people and professionals behind the work we do — especially in behavioral health and healthcare in general, where who we are is what counts and affects the people we serve more potently than what we do.”
“I am focused now on who we are as people and professionals behind the work we do — especially in behavioral health and healthcare in general, where who we are is what counts and affects the people we serve more potently than what we do.”
I still believe that and even more so now. Being 99% retired, I have had time to reflect more on whom I was behind the work I did in a busy career. In the last 25 years of my career, there seemed little time to ponder the “me behind the work” because my commute was in an airplane and my “office” was a conference or workshop venue.
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The “light” side of my work was that my training and consulting seemed to be effective, because (a) attendees overwhelmingly told me that and (b) I got invited back many times to present again. Yes, that feedback filled self-esteem, and other needs for meaning and purpose. But for me, I have come to understand the dark side of work.
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The “dark” side for anyone’s work can be that it is the only source of self-esteem, feelings of self-worth, getting love and attention and avoidance of being alone and facing oneself.
With the death of a loved one or facing aloneness and maybe loneliness from a divorce or breakup, it is easy to use work as the distraction or salve. To avoid looking at the “you behind the work” doesn’t make any problems go away. It just deepens dependence on a coping strategy that delays a more joyous and satisfying work life.
Tip 2
Love is a universal human need that is best contemplated before rushing into a new relationship.
When my wife passed suddenly after 46 years of the only marriage I had ever experienced, I was alone and didn’t want to rush into any primary partnership or marriage. That afforded me time to look introspectively to illuminate who I am and what I want. In fact, after such a long marriage that like all partnerships, had wonderful and woeful periods, there was a lot of material and memories to guide that introspective look.
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Who was I and how was I showing up in the marriage and relationship?
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What would I want in any new partnership that happened along?
I met a man a few years back who like me, had lost his wife suddenly. He was already divorced from a brief marriage into which he had rushed to quell his loneliness. He was now in another unsatisfactory relationship that was not going well, and was afraid this relationship too would break up and that he would again be alone.
Some honest self-reflection, even with some professional help, would have served him well to guide his choices in the dating world.
Tip 3
Like Work and Love, Play can be different for each person. Consider what "Play" is for you.
As I said in January 2022’s SOUL section, “if anything or anyone doesn’t bring joy to my life and doesn’t think I am a joy in their life, it doesn’t deserve my time or energy. So I’m still having fun monitoring my ‘joy’ meter.” Actually I use the "joy meter" in all aspects of my life, but especially when it comes to Play.
With the grief of a death, divorce or a breakup, Play doesn’t come easy. Like Work there can be a “light” and “dark” side.
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The “light” side is when you identify what brings you joy or peace or relaxation and use that to move you a little higher on the emotional, feeling-better scale.
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The “dark” side is when you use alcohol or other drugs, gambling, shopping, sex or TV and screens to numb yourself and avoid your pain.
Take the time to contemplate what kind of Play works to help you progress towards joy, peace and serenity. There’s no rush to Play, but your healthy version of it goes a long way to advance healing.
Read the entire February blog on David Mee-Lee's Tips n Topics here →
Authored by Dr. David Mee-Lee, “Tips & Topics” is a monthly blog covering three sections: Savvy, Skills and Soul, with additional sections varying from month to month. Topics include Stump the Shrink, Success Stories and Shameless Selling.