Recently, I hurt someone’s feelings. I said something that was offensive to them and I immediately could tell by their body language and their verbal feedback that I had severely stepped on their toes.
I was horrified as that was the last person I would want to offend. But I did, it happened, and I needed to apologize. It takes a lot of trust to genuinely apologize to another with an open heart.
Not trust in them, the one I had offended, but trust in me, trust in myself.
In full self-disclosure, I have not had a good track record in genuine, heartfelt apologizing. That’s not because I don’t care about other people, am narcissitic and self-centered. It’s because I have not trusted myself that I am the good person I believe myself to be - an old, self-defeating story of “I must be doing something wrong.”
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Instead of a simple, heartfelt “I am so sorry I offended you” and conveying that with my body language and energetic connection, I would say the words but then quickly and defensively proceed to:
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Explain how I didn’t mean to hurt them and didn’t know what I didn’t know.
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Complain that they should know that I am not a mean person.
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Give a lot of context as to where my offensive comment was coming from and declaring emphatically that I would never intentionally be offensive.
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Self righteously suggest that maybe they were offended because of their triggers, not by what I actually said or meant.
You get the picture, and can see why a heartfelt apology was not actually given nor received.
I diluted the “apology” with insecure, defensive explanations because I didn’t trust in myself to be the good person I believe myself to be.
I don’t know if you identify with this or not, but it helps me to journal this self awareness and learning lesson. Taking it from another angle, imagine you are in a crowded space wearing heavy boots and you accidentally stomp on someone wearing open-toed sandals.
You would not murmur a cursory “Sorry for stepping on your toes” and then proceed to:
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Explain that there are so many people in this crowded space that you didn’t even see them.
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Complain about the crowd and reassure them that you are not a violent, selfish person.
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Give them the context that heavy boots and open-toed sandals don’t go together well.
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Suggest that it wasn’t necessary to cry out so loud and curse profanities given the crowded space and accidents happen.
An unambiguous “Oh, I am so sorry for stepping on your toes and hurting you. Are you OK?” comes willingly because you trust yourself to know it was an accident, with no explanation necessary of why it happened.
The next time you offend or hurt someone, take a look to see how well you trust yourself to give a straightforward and heartfelt apology.
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Authored by Dr. David Mee-Lee, “Tips & Topics” is a monthly blog covering three sections: Savvy, Skills and Soul, with additional sections varying from month to month. Topics include Stump the Shrink, Success Stories and Shameless Selling.